July Ponderings

 Journal entry 7-19-2021

Hey there,

That weight your carrying is going to cost you. It seems like a small sacrifice in your mind because of your giving character and willingness to help so you will continue for a time yet. You will quietly continue to drag the load on until it gets too heavy and you have to stop. Where you stop you begin to unload on people that happen to be in your path. These people aren’t in any way responsible for that weight. It could be your children, your spouse, coworkers.. They will either dodge the weight or they will suffer the effects of being in your path (whether they deserved it or not.)

I know you, I am you. You will continue on because you are strong and you believe you are right. You recognize that this isn't something you deserve or earned but the weight gives you a reason to hurt and you feel like pain is something you are allowed to feel. Pain has been present in your life and may have been the only thing that was dependable. Pain, always present, a secret friend who never left and stayed hidden so you didn't have to explain him to your other emotions. The ones you didn’t have a name for. Pain took the place of the missing “I love you’s” and the constant humiliation of feeling like you were socially a misfit.

The weight you are struggling to pull, comes from your ancestors. It comes from “good people”, who “just don’t know any better”. It is caused by “young parents, who loved each other too much to let go.” It's mistakes in your family that have repeated and repeated until it reached you. Family secrets, curses, and trauma that have not trickled down through the dna like one would think. This weight starts from them and snowballs down to you. Hits you like an avalanche, destroying your world in the form of people who love you. They may try to protect you but can’t move themselves under the rubble. Sometimes you have to uncover them, saving them, but there is nowhere to put the weight so you carry it.

Weight doesn’t go away. I am transferring this weight though. Through therapy and self discovery I am learning not to drag those heavy rocks anymore. I have started a home from the ground up. The heavy rocks make a good foundation when packed in the right perspective and placed on a level ground. Start over, blank slate, wiped clean. I am starting my foundation strong, selecting stones based on validity and I am willing to let them go. Releasing the weight that doesn’t fit or belong in my foundation. As the walls come up I will create doors and windows. I like sunlight now and bask in the safety of knowing my family won’t continue carrying those stones I removed. Knowing I used them and they no longer need carrying. They serve a purpose now.

My granddaughter will learn strength through her own trials. I will be one of her safe spaces. She will never see the rocks I carried. They are beneath her. I used them to create this space and she will never know the price I paid. I will never mistakenly transfer stones to her shoulders. She will feel safe and loved and I will teach her how to skip rocks.

I see you rethinking your load. Whether you decide to build is on you. There may not be enough yet, or you may still consider the pain a friend. I have found blueprints but I am still learning to read them. There is help, when you are ready to let go the help is there. If you decide you aren’t ready be very careful. Landslides create innocent casualties, create chaos and level weak foundations.

I will be living in the house on the hill. You will find me in the Sunshine. Look for the bushy hair and the smile. Listen for the laughter and singing. I found a home where I feel safe.