For Lacey

 Journal Entry:

For Lacey:

She was born a dreamer. She grew up in environments that were not necessarily safe or good for her and that created the dreams. The dreams in her head were her friends. They allowed her a respite from the ugliness. She was signed over as an adoptee by both parents and I like to think they knew what was best for her. Did they know they weren’t in any position to care for a child? Maybe they weren’t in love with each other and knew a family wasn’t an option. Maybe they saw her and knew she deserved better. Regardless of their reasons she ended up placed in a foster home. The girl grew up surrounded life's harsh realities and her soul was unable to be crushed.

When I was contacted by her I immediately saw the dreamer. She explained her case, leaving out the ugliness. I don’t get to see that part of her past until she can trust me. We became fast friends. I love her as my own family. I take my time and slowly unravel the details of her DNA. It is a very difficult case as both parents are young and transient types.

I watch from a distance as life continues to throw darts at her. I see her shaking when emotion comes to the surface. Whether she is laughing or crying she trembles and sweats. If you ever saw a weight lifter tremble, that's how she does it. Because she is carrying a lot of weight but still she dreams.

Her biological mother passed and she got to meet her. I am looking for bio dad. These ones hurt. My dad was a giant part of my life. I was daddy's little girl. I want this for her and her biological father. I want him to call me as soon as he gets my message and shout from the rooftops that he is a father. He stays hidden. Whether intentional or unintentional he is hidden from me and has yet to present himself.

At 4:00 am I was contacted by the stepmother of her biological father. At 4:30 we are on the phone and I threeway my sweet dreamer. She is shaking, I hear it in her voice. “If it were me I would leave it alone,” she is advised by a stepmother who knows him more than us. “He's been in and out of rehabs, and isn’t even allowed to enter the state of Nevada anymore.” There it is. Coldwater on a sleepy face. Reality. He isn’t coming, or calling, or even aware. I hear her breath catch and I close the call before I think she is going to show her emotions to her step-grandmother.

At 10 am I get a message from my client, “Sorry if I go through the motions it's has nothing to do with you obviously and you have been doing everything that you can and I really appreciate it thank you!”

Wow! There she is. She has just been handed devastating news and she thought enough about me, to thank me. She is still standing, not deflated. She has two children. She doesn’t need anyone in her life who is unable to provide a safe space for her children. She provides their needs with devotion and love that only a doting mother can do. She learned to be a mom, from her dream mom. She knew who she didn’t want to be like. Her children adore her. I adore her. She is a dreamer. She is like me.

Whether or not this story will end in her meeting her biological father she still has a story and she deserves it to be told. There is healing in truth and this will heal her. She will sleep easier with answers and sleeping creates dreams.

This story is just beginning…...